Monday, September 23, 2013

Radical Self Acceptance

Many roads keep leading me to this message but I'm not learning the lesson yet.  I think it's time I really started to try.

36 is going to be my year of radical self acceptance.  Here are some things about me:

I'm a good friend but not a perfect one.  I'm terrible at keeping secrets and I've lost friends over it.  I may again.  I'm not a great shoulder to cry on always but I'm exceptionally good at managing a crisis. 

I'm not as active as I want to be.  I've allowed my body to be in stasis as I'm try to figure out my mind.  My mind scares me because I feel patently inadequate all the time.  I feel so markedly inferior to my desired self that I'm hurting my partner by my inability to see my own good. 

I have advocated for children.  I made a difference and they have a better life for it and they loved me.

I've saved lives, human and animal.

I've lied.  Many times for many reasons.  I do it less now.

I'm anxious nearly all the time right now.  I'm grumpy sometimes--too often right now.  I'm scared to be happy.

I'm better than I was last year at being married.  I get better every year because I make an effort.

I tell funny stories.

I need to give myself a break.

I'm learning over the last few years that I'm totally incapable of allowing myself to feel proud of something I've accomplished.  I've managed to internalize a dialogue wherein anything I do is not nearly enough.  Dinner made and on time five nights this week?  Should have been seven.  And included lunches.  And doesn't a real wife make breakfast for her husband?  If I make a goal about my activity level and then do something, well, it's not a marathon.

This constant discounting, not allowing myself to feel happy or content has got to stop. 

My one-little-word to focus on for last year (2013, really, but I'm changing this to start on my birthdays) was 'better'.  I have done better.  We're eating better food.  We're more in control of our budget.  We moved.  And I made lots of that happen.  I did better.  And I have a few more months to focus on that. 

Next year, however, it's time for me to accept myself.  Warts and all.  Not to push forward, not to look back--just to be in the moments, occupy them fully and allow joy into my heart.  Radical self-acceptance.  Let's see what that looks like.

No comments:

Post a Comment