Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Not as we.

I think that when tragedy strikes there is a very clear dividing line about those to whom the tragedy directly involves and the rest of us.

A few days ago several officers served by my old dispatch center were shot, one fatally. I'm devastated. I'm feeling even worse that I wasn't there to help. I wish daily that there is something I could do to really give aid to those unsung heroes.

In all of this I'm feeling distinctly 'former'. Even if I'd stayed with the dispatch center up until the day we moved, I'd have missed this moment. I wasn't meant to be there. That doesn't change my sorrow at both being outside that community and helpless to alleviate their pain.

I think one of the most difficult things about moving is reestablishing the network of friends and like-minded locals. It's something I put great effort into every new place we go. Often I find that one of two of the people I meet in a particular location are life-long friends to me.

In the weeks before I find that community, that anchoring friend, I'm quite lonely and sometimes a bit depressed about the new location.

Michael has yet to experience this with me and he's quite concerned despite my protestations that this is simply my process. Every single move is nearly identical but similarity doesn't make them easier.

I'm sure I'll come out the other side. I'm sure I'll find friends and community here. I have some already and a great in-law family that are softening the blow. But for these few moments, watching the images of an officer laid to rest with his young family left behind, of a community I miss coming together to honor their police force, I'm feeling a particularly stinging sadness and loneliness. Instead of berating myself for this or feeling like I "shouldn't" be sad, I'm going to be sad, live with it, and make sure that I continue living and unpacking boxes, loving my husband in the meantime and soon I'll look around and wonder where the sadness has gone.


  1. Dear friend.. I am coming to the big San An soon... any tips of must see places?? besides the alamo.. riverwalk etc.. I come in on the 18th!

    1. Just so you know, you're more than welcome to stay with us. We're right near the intersection of 410 and 10, meaning we have really easy access to most of the places you'd maybe visit. And of course if you had/have guests they're welcome too! I'm a pretty 'out of your hair' kind of hostess!

      While you're here you should eat at Rudy's BBQ or someplace equivalent--meaning dirty, local and AWESOMELY good! I'll think of some other fun things too. Let me know if you need rides, transport or anything else. Our home is yours!

  2. Hope this week brings more light into your life. I have moved very few times. I offer no advice. Sounds like you know the process all too well.

    1. RW, thank you! I hadn't yet replied to your comment about staying in TX until you and your daughter could come visit. Let me do so now with a resounding, "Hurry!" Of course we'd love to have you stay with us if/when you're here! Things may still be a terrible mess but I trust you'll understand. Hugs, as ever!