Sunday, December 5, 2010

Let's go.

Prompt: Who or what did you let go of this year? Why?

About a week ago I clicked on a link to an astrological site with predictions for
December. While I don't remember much about the post, I remember that they author talked about this year being one of 'forced closure' by the Universe. All I could do was nod in agreement.

Pondering all the closings and endings is anxiety inducing for me. I hate endings. I'd love to keep all the people I meet and interact with in my life for always. Honestly, I abhor saying goodbye.

But I digress.

When considering this prompt I decided to embrace the spirit of Amy's post and say what I usually wouldn't.

This year I lost a very strong point of solidarity with my friends--I'm no longer single. There is a very specific culture around being Mormon and single over, say, 24. It's a beautiful one that I've come to love for and despite all the oddity therein. It's a culture that all three of my closest friends find themselves still involved in. And now I'm not.

I know that my friends don't hold this against me, that the bonds of our friendship aren't shaken by the lack of solidarity but it drastically changes our conversations and my credibility in them. Understandably so. The lonely weekend nights are a memory for me. Going for days or months without physical touch, not even knowing how badly I miss it, is now a notion.

It's only fair, really, but it's still a loss. One that I had to grieve quietly because I wasn't sure it would (or does) make sense to anyone who lives outside my head.

It has taken a bit of doing for me to mentally be ok losing the 'single' status to which I'd become so devoted. It's taken more focus for me to understand and trust in the love and friendships I created for myself as a single and let them bear out my marriage. But in letting go of relating about that point I've discovered my friendship really are a broad, a deep and as lovely as I'd always imaged them to be. We've weathered this storm and we'll weather more.

RAGS forever.

1 comment:

  1. Aw, you're sweet (RAGS forever!) And I don't think you've lost any credibility, FWIW :)